I got the chance to have a cup of coffee with a good friend of mine last night. We've both been having a rough week and needed the chance to talk and vent and it was lovely. One of the things we talked about, extensively, was the death of a friendship.
I truly believe there are some people who are placed in your life and are soul mates. Those people are meant to be in your life forever, always holding a special place in your heart. But there are other people who are placed in your life and are meant to only be there for a short time. They're not permanent. They're not meant to be life-long friends. They're also not meant to be the person you spend the rest of your life with if you find yourself in a romantic relationship with them. They are meant only for the purpose of supporting you through a certain period in your life. That could mean high school, college, med school, first job, your first real grown up relationship. Anything. Eventually, though, those friendships and relationships end. Sometimes they go out in a blaze of glory like a dying star, other times they just fizzle and die away, like a sparkler on the 4th of July. But it just shows that, sometimes, people aren't meant to be forever friends.
I'm learning to be ok with that. I'm a chronic over-feeler. I've got a bad habit of feeling emotions 1000% stronger than anyone else. When I feel love for someone, it's to the extreme. When I feel a connection with someone that I have a lot in common with, I wonder if we're meant to be good friends. It's a habit born of years of insecurities, hoping (sometimes beyond hope) that I've found a new friend. I've been trying to learn, now that I'm older, how to not feel things so deeply. How to make myself take a step back and evaluate things and think them through instead of feeling them with my heart so strongly.
This week I realized that one of my good friends has been distancing themselves from me. It's been hard; I've been pushed aside and it hurts my feelings. Part of me knows that things like this happen. Realistically, not all relationships are meant to last forever. But another part of me, the part of me that feels things so much stronger than I should, think that it hurts so badly to be tossed aside like an outgrown, outdated pair of shoes. I helped you get to where you are now. I supported you and helped you walk along the path you're on in your life. But, for some reason, when the tough things really started to happen, I wasn't the one you turned to asking for help.
I am realizing, though, that this is ok. It's ok for my friend to want to seek help from someone else. It doesn't necessarily mean this person loves me less, it just means they need help from someone better equipped to help them than I am.
I hope, sincerely, that you find the path you're meant to be on. I hope that you find love. True love. All encompassing love. Love that carries you and supports you through anything you endeavor to do. I hope that you find your calling in life and follow that call. I hope that you find true friends and meaningful relationships, even if I'm not one of them. Which I hope I am. I hope that when your time comes, you look back on your life and think of me with happy thoughts and a thankful heart. I know I will. You will always be so important to me. If this really is the end of our friendship, I want to say thank you for always being the best friend I needed. Thank you for everything. You are an amazing person. You deserve the world on a string.